For example, if you're ultra-focused on the fact that your friend canceled your plans at the last minute, you may forget that they are usually very reliable, fail to empathize that they got overwhelmed at work, or not recall that you recently canceled on them, too.
Or you might miss that while your friend may occasionally be late or fail to show up, this issue has nothing to do with you—and that you don't really want being mad about this unfortunate quality to derail your entire friendship. Additionally, if your partner did something truly hurtful, consider that only in forgiving them can you heal the relationship—assuming that's what you want to do.
Also, if you have children, understand that you're modeling this behavior. Routinely holding on to bitterness rather than processing negative feelings through forgiveness, acceptance, grieving, conflict resolution, or other healthier methods of coping teaches your kids to do the same.
While it's clear that routinely harboring grudges has many pitfalls, it's important to look at any possible benefits that might come with keeping these negative feelings around. Firstly, as noted above, it's not ideal to just brush off your feelings or bury them, so, in some situations, it might be preferable to hold a grudge than to completely avoid your feelings. While it's usually better to deal with your feelings outright and, potentially, to discuss the matter directly with the person who upset you, holding a grudge may be more likely to get the ball rolling on those fronts than entirely ignoring a situation or your emotional response altogether.
Often, people hold grudges when they feel someone has let them down. However, while it may be justifiable to be upset or resentful, as noted above, a healthier approach may be to address the situation head-on with the person in question, especially as misunderstandings or misplaced expectations are often the roots of these issues.
People often want someone to blame even if no one is really at fault, which can add to the appeal of holding a grudge, particularly if you keep your feelings to yourself and eventually let them go. For example, sometimes someone does something like bumping into you that can have larger, unintended consequences like you dropping your drink and spilling it all over your favorite skirt , which can make you hold a grudge even if being mad about the misstep seems a bit unfair—even if your skirt was ruined.
In this situation, you may not feel entirely vindicated or righteous in your anger but holding on to it may help you process the upsetting event. Keeping your grudge private may let you feel your anger without confronting the person you're blaming, something you may not want to do if they aren't really to blame. This may not be an optimal way to cope with discomforting situations but may be preferable to overtly overreacting or accusing people of things they didn't do. Research and anecdotal evidence alike point to the fact that some people are more inclined to hold grudges than others.
People prone to jealousy, sensitivity, immaturity, negativity, and impulse control may be more apt to hold grudges. Cultural, lifestyle, parenting, environmental, genetic, and other factors may contribute to an individual person's propensity to harbor resentments as well.
Those with certain personality types and traits may be more likely to engage in this response to angry or bitter feelings. Interestingly, research also shows that certain lifestyle habits, including regular exercise, can also make you more amenable to forgiveness and flexibility.
Additionally, people who tend to be more irritable and emotionally volatile are more likely to harbor angry feelings and blame others rather than consider their own responsibility in a situation as well. Ultimately, some people may just be wired or work hard to rebound from hurts or deal with them directly, while others are more apt to become embittered. Some of this variance may be out of your control, but there are also strategies people can take to develop healthier anger management and coping mechanisms.
So, how do you know when you're holding a grudge rather than when you are simply feeling appropriately angry about something? In contrast, holding a grudge entails the opposite—not letting go or accepting a resolution of any kind. Another strategy is to notice if you feel better or worse after thinking or talking about what happened. If it's the latter then you may be processing your feelings in a productive way.
However, if you feel more distressed, overwhelmed, or worked up after going over the events in your mind or discussing the issue, then you may be creating a grudge rather than coping in a healthy manner. If you're not sure, consider if a friend described what happened but as if it happened to them as well as your response, would you still feel as embittered if it wasn't about you?
Also, think about whether you would feel comfortable or embarrassed telling someone close to you about your internal thoughts regarding the grudge.
Think about if you believe they would think your reaction was justified or an overreaction. Additionally, you can always ask a person you trust for their opinion on how you're handling the situation as well, as getting the perspective of someone else whose judgment you value can help you get a better sense of if you're holding a grudge or just in the process of justifiable anger.
In either case, talking out the situation and your feelings can assist you in making sense of what happened and how to move on. If you find that you're holding on to bitterness and grudges rather than letting them go, it may be helpful to talk to a counselor—or even to a friend or loved one, as noted above. Getting out of your head can help you clear the air and come up with a plan to seek a better resolution. Talking through your conflicts with a therapist can give you insights into why you hold grudges and help you develop the skills to respond more effectively to difficult or hurtful situations.
Additionally, before you jump to conclusions or condemn someone's behavior, it can help to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Consider that your worst suspicions may not be entirely accurate. In fact, often someone else's negative actions aren't about you at all. Maybe they were just having a really bad day. Maybe they misunderstood what you were hoping they would do, or bad luck piled up despite their good intentions.
Invest time in learning and practicing positive coping skills, such as truly forgiving those that have hurt you and practicing healthy stress management techniques , including:. Ultimately, while it's important to process grudge-worthy emotions, holding on to those feelings is typically unhealthy for all involved.
Rushing to forgiveness or avoiding dealing with uncomfortable situations aren't good solutions either. Instead, aim to sort through difficult events and feelings, while, if needed, giving yourself a little time to grieve, be mad, or wallow. Just don't let your methods of coping with the upsetting incident become a long-lasting state of being. Rather, aim to work through the issue, resolve it, and move on. Ever wonder what your personality type means?
Sign up to find out more in our Healthy Mind newsletter. Indian J Psychol Med. Leibenluft E, Stoddard J. The developmental psychopathology of irritability.
Dev Psychopathol. Just how bad negative affect is for your health depends on culture. Psychol Sci. Negative emotional events that people ruminate about feel closer in time. PLoS One. If we combine this information with your PHI, we will treat all of that information as PHI, and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of privacy practices.
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See more conditions. Healthy Lifestyle Adult health. Products and services. Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward. By Mayo Clinic Staff. Thank you for Subscribing Our Housecall e-newsletter will keep you up-to-date on the latest health information. Please try again. Something went wrong on our side, please try again.
Show references Rakel D, ed. In: Integrative Medicine. Philadelphia, Pa. Accessed Oct. Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. American Psychological Association. Akhtar S, et al. Understanding the relationship between state forgiveness and psychological wellbeing: A qualitative study. Journal of Religion and Health. And when left unchecked for a prolonged period — like what happens when you carry a grudge — things only get worse.
It's not only about the stress on your body, either. A consuming grudge can also influence your perception of the world. Remember the grudge-holders who were more likely to think a hill looked steeper than their forgiving counterparts? And when you keep your emotions tamped down, that can take up a lot of resources and energy.
Your former friend and ex might have always had feelings for each other behind your back.
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